Fast forward, I’m standing still

I thought perhaps I’d been exaggerating. Perhaps it didn’t rain as much I remembered. But it does. And the rain is wetter and colder than elsewhere, the wind just a little bit more chilly. The streets are still empty. The roads are still under construction. No one reads in coffee shops. But people do still breastfeed in them. At least.

I was bound to feel disappointed. I always do. And I know it, when I am longing for it, that I will be. Maybe it was a different disappointment this time. for the first time, I was disappointed in the people, not the place. I felt let down. Out of place. Not ignored, not overlooked .. In new and unexciting territory.
Some things never change, and you appreciate it, while others never change when they should. The friend who never calls, who’s in and out and who’s sense of time is not controlled by conventional standards, she is still there. And when disappointment and anxiety threatens to suffocate a poor homecomer, there’s always a cigarette and a 90’s disco classic waiting. And there are surprises. An apology in the midst of everything, an invitation. A realization that pride is simply pride, and principles must fall when options are limited. But then there are the allies you no longer know. Their shells are the same but the inside appear to be nothing but wasted potential. So much energy and intelligence drowned in beer and boredom. A frightening lack of initiative, politeness and interest. Did I imagine our past? Did I just manufacture those memories of good times and big dreams? Or did I simply erase the things I didn’t want to know?

Everyone changes, but did I really change that much? Did they all change in my eyes only? No. Something has happened to all of us and it gives anxiety yet another reason to grow, and my rootlessness is strengthened. Where do I go? Or more importantly .. where do I return to?